The Newsdesk: A House Admits Readiness to Move Out!

Home has had enough of homeowner's abuse!

(BOISE, Idaho) – A two bedroom town house, owned by local insurance broker David “The Adjuster” Riley, has finally admitted a desire to move out after years of doubt and hesitation. A series of arguments culminated in an “epic blow up of the grandest proportions” between home and homeowner late Thursday, a witness said.

According to witnesses from the concerned, but generally impotent, neighbourhood watch, the house was “bound to erupt sometime” after suffering at the hands of the homeowner for “a while now”. Although Riley has informed neighbours and friends that everything is “still up in the air”, the sound of the house’s shaken foundations have been heard throughout the  day.

After winning number 27, Scarborough Lane in a 2007 high-stakes game of “UNO” with his ex-wife’s divorce lawyer, Riley and the home embarked on a tumultuous 4 year relationship, also known as a mortgage. All started well for the couple as Riley’s devotion to routine and new hobbies in the wake of his messy divorce, left the house in good standing and repute.

However this soon unravelled as the inevitable emotional despair of divorce struck Riley into a state of ‘man-boyishness’ which quickly saw the house spiral into a new era of squalor and disorder. Riley’s late nights with the guys and rambunctious Monday Night Football viewing parties continued to pressure an already strained relationship as the calm of the honeymoon phase came to an abrupt end.

Eventually neighbours bore witness to a silent war of attrition as the disgruntled home waged battle against the apathetic Riley. Plumbing, gas and electricity in the home consistently began to fail as the house fought tooth and nail to bring Riley out of his post-divorce slump. All came to no avail though, as Riley began spending more nights out and started regularly renting a hotel room nearby in an effort to avoid difficulties at home.

These games of cat and mouse continued unabated for the following two years as emotions remained repressed and concerns unaddressed.

Things finally came to a head earlier in the year as loud fights began to break out like clockwork each and every evening after Riley returned from the office. By this point Riley, a heavy drinker, and the home, a battered and abused piece of real-estate, were unwilling to compromise resulting in a string of heated exchanges.

In one such exchange, a local man, wishing only to be known as “peeping Tom”, explained how the house bemoaned Riley’s inability to grow up and move on while the homeowner loudly proclaimed his desire to have a normal home that “wasn’t so high maintenance”.

Several mediation  attempts by the local homeowners association over the coming months failed as evening arguments and shouting matches between the pair became common place.

Last night proved to be the last straw as number 27, Scarborough Lane finally admitted the truth and declared a desperate desire to move out. Riley, who was said to be reduced to tears by the declaration, further inflamed the situation by comparing the home to his failed marriage while shouting profane abuse in the direction of his residence. This was met by the home dramatically changing its status on local real estate websites from ‘happily owned’ to ‘for sale’. The highest insult to any homeowner.

It is yet unknown when separation arrangements will take place but local realtors are said to be already licking their cheque books in anticipation.

Thoughts on this story? Interested in number 27, Scarborough Lane? Mediation experts? Let us know in the comments below.

Business Executive Shares Motherly Bond With Her Blackberry: 6/1

The Shame Of It All!

Yet another one of those touching “father-daughter” moments courtesy of a foul ball in the MLB.

Too bad dad missed both the ball and his daughter. Unfortunately, resident psycho-logist Wilson has alerted us to the scientific likelihood that the dropping of the daughter will probably go on to cause some long-term emotional damage.

Can anyone say “trust” issues? Can anyone say “daddy” issues? She sure will.

Any recovery tips for father or child? Let us know in the comments below.

Wilson’s Live Tweet: 5/28

Wilson’s Madness is Evidence of his Brilliance”. Victor Hugo (Posthumously)

Wilson here: When everyone counts you out just remind yourself that some people can only count so far. #DigitDeficiency

Wilson here: Swish once told me he had a crush on CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and Al Jazeera weatherman Everton Fox. #BeastialityMeetsHumanity

Wilson here: Playing sports and dating are the same. You get rejected a many times before you end up suceeding and scoring! #NoPainNoGame

Wilson here: People always ask me what my thought process is. I tell them that I believe in cost-cutting. Processes always sound expensive!

Wilson here: Some have asked me what TV shows I watch? My response is always the same. “Most of them”. #VagueAnswersAreFun

Wilson here: Many don’t know this but I do have a last name. You just don’t hear it coz it is made up entirely of silent letters. #

Wilson here: I can only condone going down when in the elevator! #ReadIntoThisAllYouWant #MindsOutTheGutter #Please

Wilson here: Professionalism is coming into the office wearing a shirt with two ties. One down the front and one down the back. #TrendAlert

Wilson here: There was a time I could remember the names of every person I had ever met. I just don’t remember when that time was. #Memories

Wilson here: The Daily Segway reminds me of the Syrian intelligence agency. They fully support the rights of management to do what they like

Wilson here: #BeatingsAreBad but #ThreatsAreWorse

Wilson here: All tweets are status updates. Are all status updates, tweets? Venn Diagram please. #HighSchoolMathWasBooorrrriiinnnggg

Man Develops Pretentious Laugh While Flying Business: 5/30

Craigslist Has No Limits.

So I guess we must have all been wondering what ‘Al Qaeda’ were going to do following the demise of their leader Osama Bin Laden.

Well we got their answer but even we were surprised how.

Click on the picture to zoom!

Not through another ominous communiqué, not through a poorly edited doom-video or even through a retaliatory strike against the “West”.

Instead we were astounded to find out that the feared terror network turned to online classifieds service Craigslist in an effort to react to Bin Laden’s freshly vacated sandals.

The classified calling for a militant leader is clearly spelled out. Requirements are straight forward while the benefits and challenges have also been made clear. An especially vital piece of information was the “must be able to occupy such places, but not limited to” section.

Personal favourites include, but are not limited to damp caves, outhouses, hollowed out Yak carcasses and 7-11.

This is a brilliantly crafted classified and it seems Al Qaeda is moving into the twenty-first century by using such technology to recruit a new leader.

Who knows maybe we will see the terror network on twitter soon.

Any ideas for Al Qaeda themed twitter handles? We’ll get it started with @DeathToAllThingsEverIncludingButNotLimitedToOurselves

Let us know in the comments below.

Welcome us Back!

The prodigal blog has finally returned.

We wish our come back to the world of internet entertainment could be as dramatic as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s return to the world of wrestling entertainment

…….

………. but unfortunately its bigger than that.

We need more than just pyrotechnics and loud music. We need more than just signs and cheers. We need more than just jumping up and down. We need more than just go-go attitudes or the resounding bang of a catchy platitude. We need more than just uninhibited joy or unconstrained longing. We need more than just the adoration of millions of followers.

What we need is laughter. All kinds of laughter for that matter!

Unbridled laughter, unadulterated laughter, side-splitting laughter, vertigo-inducing laughter, insincere laughter, awkward laughter, misplaced laughter, mocking laughter, sarcastic laughter, pained laughter, evil laughter, dark laughter…

And more than anything we need supportive laughter. For we are but a humble blog that often doubts itself. We do try our best, but in the moments when the punchline is lacking bite or the detail is without substance, please do provide us the supportive laughter that gives us the will to go on.

Because at the end of the day, when the cookie crumbles and the sun sets, your laughter sends us into the drool-inducing coma that is a deep sleep. Something all humans regularly crave.

Thank “You“s

One Week Hiatus

Fellow laughers and TDS consumers we regret to inform you that we will be off the radar for the following week.

After the delivery of some untimely electric bills we look to be disconnected for the foreseeable future. But never fear we will soon be back here.

Hope you can cope without us for the next few days and if you are struggling with any withdrawal symptoms you can always keep listening back to older content. Don’t worry no one will think you are pathetic!

With much ‘laugh’ and sarcastic applause,

The Daily Segway.

High Fives Hurt!

The high five. Something so simple that has often been made complex.

An act that has the power to renew and reassure a spirit just as much as it can discard and destroy a soul. When it works, one of the sweetest feelings on this earth, but when it fails, “paper bag over your face” time!

Here we have prepped some of those “paper bag over your face” moments. Enjoy.

Ouch… Now thats a pep rally if I ever did see one.

Someone please reach out to this enthusiastic young man in any possible way. He deserves it!

The look on the mascot’s face says it all. “Whose gonna get a high-five? I am, I am, I am….. I am not :(

He later went on to admit he was joining the crowd in a good old Mexican wave. Sure thing Al. Whatever you say buddy.

Thoughts? Horror stories? Let us know in the comments below.

Mystified and Dumbfounded! The Very True Story of a Man Living Two Lives.

Let me begin by issuing a retraction. What am I retracting?

Well in my most recent post we delved into some of my childhood memories. Namely my deep-seated psychological difficulty ridding my innermost thoughts of the distressing sounds of a “Michael Bolton saxophone solo”.

So I guess I was wrong.

To kind of quote an ex US President, “indeed I did mistake the once popular saxophonist Kenny G for the also once-popular recording artist Michael Bolton. This was not appropriate. In fact it was wrong. It constituted a remarkable lapse in judgement and a personal failure to differentiate on my part, for which I am solely and completely responsible“.

Now that we have that tedious public admission out-of-the-way let us get to defending what is a common mistake.

In your ‘brave’ googling I am sure you have thought me ridiculous or even silly for making such a blunder. But before you crucify me for my misjudgment give me a chance to convince you that I am not as silly as you think (Although I may be sounding paranoid right now, you have no right to judge me for it. Darn! That came off sounding paranoid too, you say? Doh!)

First, let’s go to the photographic evidence. Motion to an imaginary assistant to queue the presentation.